10:03 Nov 20 2010
Times Read: 1,056
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
09:54 Nov 20 2010
Times Read: 1,057
Walmart
> Doctor
One day, in line at the
> company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell.
>I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>
"Listen,
> you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>
"There's
> a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer
>will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
>
It
> takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So,
> Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
>
He
> deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample..
>He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
Ten
> seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
"You
> have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It
>will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."
>
That
> evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering
>if the computer could be fooled.
He
>mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
>and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
>
Joe
> hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
>pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
>
>
The
> computer prints the following:
>
1.
> Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.
> Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.
> Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.
> Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.
>If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
>
Thank
> you for shopping @ Walmart
05:53 Nov 20 2010
Times Read: 1,066
Congress Ready to RAPE Public
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the
Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
22:47 Nov 09 2010
Times Read: 1,090
ok ok.... I have had one cup.... But I
NEED to have more, much much more.
My sleep is all backwards again.
Me and the oleman went to wally world early this morning and as we were loading the truck up with groceries... he says "look out"... me being the spacy person I am on no sleep thought he was joking until i turned around to see......a.......
and he kept walking at me stopping and rubing his lil hands together while looking at the sack of groceries in my hand........
The oleman tried to scare him away but he was no match for the starving critter so i jumped in the truck just in time....
That is all.
21:44 Nov 08 2010
Times Read: 1,103
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
The congressman remained quiet for the rest of the flight.
21:41 Nov 08 2010
Times Read: 1,104
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.........But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a gay guy.'
10:22 Nov 04 2010
Times Read: 1,117
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man.
"Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
COMMENTS
-
MyArmyLife
07:16 Nov 29 2010
How did the accusations of cheating start? I never really heard of anything accept one incident a couple of years ago and now it all blows up and everyone is talking about it. WTH?